Category: Personal Worth

Do you Boo Boo

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This time last year I was making excuses for bad decisions and hating myself. I was listening to a lot of different voices. They were all bouncing around in my head and competing to be the loudest. The biggest problem is that none of these voices were mine. These were voices of other people from the past and the present. Voices that had either intentionally or unintentionally broken me down to a person who didn’t see the possibility to be or do anything different. Words that made me doubt myself.

These words were not spoken by people who should have had any power over my mind or my thoughts. They were words spoken by ex boyfriends, mean girls, dates that stood me up or ghosted me, strangers, frenemies, and even random things on social media. Some of these words were mean spirited, (“You should be happy you have me. It’s not like anyone else would want you.”) some of them were intended to be helpful (“Hey girl so my friend just tried this new diet..”), and some were just oblivious to how loud they were (“At least you have more choices than that other girl since you’re smaller”).

Now don’t get me wrong, these words were all pretty terrible and people definitely need to be nicer especially the ex who spoke the intentionally mean words. However, I’ve learned something else throughout this new journey that I have been on. It is my job to silence these words. I don’t think I would have been able to do that back then. The girl I was back then wasn’t strong enough to silence those words. That girl was timid and found her identity in acceptance and words of affirmation from other people. Fitting in was the ultimate sign of acceptance for that girl. I was so worried about getting people to like me that I didn’t pay attention to how they really treated me. I lost myself. I was a different person depending on who I was with.

I am not that girl anymore. I have been through some shit. I have cried, screamed, gone numb, hidden from the world, and isolated myself from the people who truly love me. None of those things were good or fun but I like the girl who came out of that fire. Don’t get me wrong, I am still a work in progress. The difference is that now I define what kind of progress needs to be made. There aren’t voices fighting to be the loudest in my head. Now the only voice that matters is my own. It takes advice from the important people; my family, my real friends, my coaches but it is now the loudest one in the room. I started this journey 10 months ago. Since then I have learned so much about myself. There are still plenty of people who feel like I need to hear their opinion about what I am doing or how I could be doing it better. Now I pretend to listen to them and then go on with my life. I care about what my coaches say because lets be honest I trust them to help make me better and I know they truly care about my progress. I care about what the people who truly love me say because they know me best and they have been so supportive of me as I have been working to find myself.

The hardest part of all of this has been learning to love the person that I am. I spent a lot time pretending to love myself and even more time tearing myself down. It is like that new Demi Lovato song “I Love Me”. She talks about how it is easy to tear yourself down and build other people up at the same time. I am having to learn how to love me. Its been a long process but I like how it is going. I was having a conversation with my BFF last night and it was nice to talk about how far I have come. Now I know who I want to be and what I am worth. I have learned to say no to things that I don’t need in my life. I have learned to turn away people who don’t deserve to be in my life. I am the only one who can really choose my path and my direction. Its time for me to do me. My advice…you do you boo. Because only you know what is best for you.

New Year. Same Me

On By MCIn confidence, Fitness, Healthy Lifestyle, Image, Mental health, motivation, Personal Worth, Squad, Support1 Comment

Well its New Year’s Eve. You know what that means…all the resolutions. Everyone is dedicated to changing something about themselves starting tomorrow. The statuses and instagram posts will flood the newsfeeds today and tomorrow. Everyone feels the pressure to publicly declare what they are going to do differently this year. The reality is most of these will be forgotten by the time the clock strikes 12. Don’t get me wrong. I am not shaming anyone. If you truly have goals more power to you. I believe in you. Get ‘er done.

However, people shouldn’t feel the pressure to change anything about their journey if they are happy with how it is going. That is where I am at today. My only resolution is to change nothing about how my story is being written right now. See the girl in the two photos above this paragraph? She was unhappy. She was unhealthy. Her anxiety ruled her world. She constantly questioned her self worth. She compared herself to everyone around her. She made one of those silly resolutions last year. Then she took these photos is February and April. A day out with her best friend for Valentine’s Day when they accidentally matched and a Bridal Shower for another best friend. These photos should evoke feelings of joy and great memories. The truth is…they don’t. They are reminders of when this girl felt broken and inadequate.

That photo in April sparked something though. A real change. A new commitment. That May I made a real change. I made a true commitment to myself. It started with a panic attack at work, something that had never happened to me in my life. I never let my students see me as anything but strong. They need me and I never want them to see me like that. There were tears and anger and a trip to my doctor. She decided it was time to change my medication and asked to me schedule an emergency visit with my therapist. A while ago this sentence would have embarrassed me but now I know that it is what I needed to be healthy. After that visit and some tears shed on my mom’s shoulder I took a friends recommendation. (Thanks Momma Dee) I walked into the doors of Coastal Strength and Fitness.

I walked into those doors terrified. Here I am….completely out of shape and this gym looks like super legit. I sit down with a guy named Gary and he tells me about the gym and its philosophies. Immediately at ease I even stay for a workout that day. Here comes Tara with her bubbly personality and immediate friendship. Throughout the next week I would meet all of my new coaches; Diego who always asks how everything is going, Will who tries to kill us every class but adds some great humor to make it better, Kristen who never fails to remember the small details and ask about them, and Ben who always a ball of bouncing sunshine. These coaches would become an amazing support for me. I can’t forget the people in class with me…Tara who is always happy to see everyone, Melissa who makes it impossible to slack off, Kyle and his much needed comic relief, Momma Dee who always says how great I’m doing.

I fell in love with Coastal to the point that I convinced my family to join the party. Now we are a package deal and if any of us show up alone or one of us is missing everyone wants to know why. This is the gym that supported me and cheered me on as a trained for my first triathlon. With the help of these people and my awesome training partner (hey Matt) I did it. They all celebrated with me.

In these past 8 months I have made some huge changes in my life. My diet has changed, 5am alarms are now normal, and I feel stronger than ever. My squad has been an amazing support system for me. My family is there every step of the way. My mom is my ultimate support. My friends are always pushing me to keep going and reminding me that I am doing the work.

I say all of this to tell you why there will be no New Year New Me. This year I am going to be the same me. I started this journey and its actually going pretty well. See the girl above this paragraph? She’s happy. She’s strong. She knows what she can accomplish. She is ready to take on the world. She is still insecure and she still has doubts but she is human. Now she knows her worth and she knows that she is a total badass.

There might still be some people who doubt her but she doesn’t care. She is out to prove to everyone that she is gonna do the damn thing.

So there it is…my New Year’s resolution is to not change a F*ing thing. Haters be damned. I am going to stay the same sarcastic, southern, dog obsessed, overly loving lunatic everyone already knows.

Who do you choose?

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Have you ever had one of those days when you aren’t super busy so you just get to sit down and think about life….yeah me either. My day started insane. Ever taken a bunch of middle school boys to a conference and tried to make them focus…herding cats doesn’t even begin to describe it. Don’t get me wrong they were all pretty well behaved and I think they actually got something out of it…well I mean except for the one kid who got to a have a one on one session with some of the mentors who were there since he couldn’t handle being in a group. I mean I will take my wins where I can get them.

This is all beside the point. When I got home I laid down on the couch to recover and started thinking about something one of the speakers said during the conference today. He said people care more about how you walk it than how you talk it. It kind of hit home because he was discussing the way the kids look to us for guidance and example. I can tell my kids something until I am blue in the face but until they see me walk in it they are just going to hear another teacher lecturing them. Now mind you I am typing all of this with a glass of wine next to the computer which may be fueling some of the total honesty but anyway….

One thing that I have been trying to talk to a couple of my kids about is choosing their future and their goals over what others want for them. I mean they have some many people who want them to do something for some reason. One of the boys in my class is a great example…lets call him “Johnny”. Johnny is a great kid. He is respectful, cares about his grades, and have great leadership potential. Most of the time I love to have him in class. I can see how much he wants to succeed in his goals. Then I noticed that his whole personality changes when he is around a couple of other kids. These kids are not like Johnny. They get disrespectful a lot, are failing more than one class, and kind of make me cringe when I can tell they are in THAT mood. One day I asked him what his goal is. He told me that he wants to play basketball in college and then maybe play in the NBA. Then he shocked the hell out of me when he said if that didn’t work he wanted to become a lawyer. At this age most of my kids have NBA and NFL dreams and see no reason to have a back up plan no matter how many times we tell them they need one.

I’m getting sidetracked again…The other day I pulled Johnny aside and had a conversation with him. I told him that I had noticed how his behavior changed around those two other kids and that it concerned me. I told him that he needed to choose himself and his goals over being “cool” or doing what his friends wanted him to do. He told me he understood but it was one of those conversations that I knew was going in one ear and out the other. After all being cool is pretty important to kids and they want to fit in. They want to do what everyone else is doing and that has gotten even worse with all the social media.

Today I realized that maybe I have more in common with Johnny than I thought. Maybe my argument would be more convincing if I was walking it too. I mean I fall into some of the same traps that Johnny fell into. I want to do what everyone else was doing more than once in my life and it has led me to putting my own goals aside in favor of what was “cool”. For example:

  • Having another drink when I know I shouldn’t spend the money or the calories and I kind of hate feeling drunk but I’m out with friends and they want to keep going
  • Grabbing some junk food because we are having a girls night and that is what we are supposed to do even though that isn’t going to help me lose weight
  • Putting all my time and energy into finding that perfect relationship because all my friends seem to be finding one when I know that I have other goals I want to accomplish
  • Focusing on the negative because everyone else wants to bitch when I know that there are plenty of positives we could be talking about.
  • Not pushing for an idea that I think would be great because I am afraid that it will make people mad

I was trying to find happiness and fulfillment in the things that took it from me to begin with. Not exactly my best logic. How can I tell Johnny to focus on his own goals and forget what everyone else in his life is pushing on him when I can’t do the same thing for myself? How can I make a convincing argument when I don’t have the actions to back it up?

Well today that ends. Today I walk it. I have goals to accomplish and it is time that I put all of my focus into that. I have more weight to lose. I need to get better about keeping my house clean. I have a doctoral program to finish applying for. I have a second triathalon to train for as of about twenty minutes ago.

Its time for me to lead by example. I’m gonna end up having that same conversation with Johnny again soon and this time I will be able to give him examples because…

I CHOOSE ME. Not just any me either, I choose the me that I want to be and I will be her because I’m not letting anything else get in my way anymore.

Climb your mountain

On By MCIn confidence, Fitness, Healthy Lifestyle, motivation, Personal Worth, Squad, Support1 Comment

So this weekend I did a thing…I climbed a mountain…kind of. I went with my gym to go hike Old Rag Mountain. I knew it was going to be a rough climb but it ended up being way harder than I anticipated. There were a lot of rocks that I had to literally climb over. I never could have made it up the mountain if I hadn’t had my group with me. There were places where we had to lift each other up both figuratively and literally. We were so motivated though. We wanted to get to that summit and see that view. Then we wanted to get back to the car and off our feet. I used muscles I didn’t even know I had and I am still finding bruises. Walking is kind of a challenge too…like everything hurts.

It got me thinking about how this thing I am trying to do is kind of like that mountain. It is my own metaphorical mountain to climb. I am trying to do something incredibly challenging that I have never tried to do before. There is a summit above me that I am desperately trying to reach. Every day I have to use new muscles…actual muscles and willpower muscles. I have to find strength even when I am tired and stressed. My days may be long and some of them are really stressful but I have to find the positive in them. If I don’t then I am sabotaging myself. I can’t allow negativity to bring me down and allow me to find excuses.

Everyday I look for the great things that happened…a kid who opened up to me, a kid who finally understood what I was saying, a kid who finally had a great day after a week of bad days, a great moment with my fellow social studies teacher, a great moment with the science to my social studies, a compliment from my admin, cuddles from my dog, a great workout, a good conversation with my mom…this list goes on. I have so many good things going in my life it is time that I start using them as hand and footholds to climb my mountain.

I also need the support of my group. Just like this weekend, I need them to push me up and keep me motivated in the times that I stumble or get sore. This mountain is tall and steep. It is not going to be easy to climb. I am going to get tired and have bruises but that is no reason to stop. The people who keep me positive, who remind me of the great things that are happening are so important. I can see the summit in my head and I know that it will be so worth it. My cheerleaders keep me going. After all, it is not safe to climb a mountain alone.

I am off the ground but I still have plenty left to climb. So if you are climbing a mountain of your own, just know you are not alone. I am climbing with you. We can do it. The summit will be so worth it.

Queen Independent

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So this post is going to go a little differently than the previous ones. It is about relationships and life. Those two things have been very connected to health and wellness in my life. I have fallen into the trap of looking for someone to validate myself more than once. Living in this super fun point of life called “mid twenties” means lots of friends hitting lots of major life milestones. Now don’t mistake me for someone who is bitter and angry. I love my friends to pieces and I am truly and incredibly happy for them. However, I have fallen into that “When is it my turn?” trap wayyyyyyy too many times. You wanna know where that trap leads??? Settling. Settling for guys who I never should have even let into my life. It also leads to emotional eating which never ends well. Too much ice cream and pasta.

I was raised in a somewhat different household. Independence and autonomy were always encouraged. My parents raised me to be strong as hell. Self-defense classes, academics, sports, and jobs were all areas in which I was encouraged to do my best and determine my own path. I’ve been able to knock a 250LB cop on his ass in self defense scenarios since I was 12. I also come from a line of incredibly strong and independent women who take shit from no one and never hesitate to stand up when necessary.

Despite all of this I would still find myself looking for validation in guys. I mean…Why?! When I remember the things that went through my head I am astounded at how ridiculous it sounds to me now. “Maybe if I looked like *her* more guys would be interested in me.” “I wonder if I would get more attention if I could pull off a crop top.” “I feel like he’s losing interest. Maybe if I change *insert physical quality here* things will be better.” Like seriously?!?!?! What happened to that insanely independent girl who went on a trip to Mexico without her parents in sophomore year of high school? What happened to the girl who never hesitated to take down that guy in practice pads? How had I lost her?

I realized that every time in the past that I have tried to make changes or better myself it has been for someone else. More often than not it has been for a guy. EW. NO. WRONG. INCORRECT MAAM. One day I had a very serious talk with myself. I mean it was in my head…I’m not totally insane yet, but still. Maybe it was time to listen to the people in my life who have been throwing clichés at me for the past few years. “When it is right it will happen.” “Your time will come, don’t rush it.” “You need to love yourself first.”

Turns out maybe clichés should be listened to more often. I made the decision a few weeks ago to say f*ck it. I deleted all my dating apps. I stopped trying to make something happen. I mean honestly…never had much luck to begin with. Mostly lots of ghosting, attempts at talking me into a late night hook up, and even one guy who sucked enough to stand me up. I have felt so much more peace in these last few weeks. I am done trying to impress someone and change so they want to be in my life. My life is pretty freaking fantastic. For once in my life I am doing this for me and me alone. I think that is why I am actually succeeding this time. It makes all the difference in the world. I am getting healthier and along the way and I am getting happier and more confident too.

I have a career that I love (most days…they are middle schoolers after all). I have the most amazing family and friends on the planet who have been super supportive throughout this whole process. I own my car. I own a home. I have a freaking awesome doggo. (Special shout out to Abs for these reminders when I needed them most.) Lately I’ve been jamming out to this playlist on Spotify called confidence boost and honestly it rocks. Its filled with songs from women who are strong and want to encourage the rest of us to be the same. I’ve put three of my favorites in this post. I bought myself a ring to remind me that I am already enough. Honestly…who needs a man to come in and mess up all of this awesomeness. I refuse to change. Sorry boo…you’re gonna have to find a way to fit into this life that I have built because I am damn proud of it.

I just want anyone out there who is facing this same struggle to know that they are not alone. Being single in your mid to late 20’s can feel kind of like you are falling behind some imaginary timeline. You’re not. Please do not settle for someone who doesn’t deserve to be in your life or fall for the first person to pay you attention. I have made that mistake. I won’t say I regret these things necessarily because they taught me about myself. However, its also not a totally necessary life experience.

I am a damn queen and you know what…so are you (or king). No matter what that little doubter voice in the back of your head says. Rule the kingdom of your life your way and only let the person who truly appreciates your supreme awesomeness into it.

Be your own motivational speaker

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Taking on a journey like this one is terrifying and exciting all at the same time. So many different thoughts fly through my head. “What if I can’t do it?” “What if it doesn’t make a difference?” “What is it gonna look like when I get there?” “What will people think if I actually get this done?” “How much better will I feel when I get this done?”

Every day is a constant battle to keep up with the goals that I have set for myself. There is always something going on in my life that makes me want to give up or quit or take a day off. These are days that I am really tired and want to hit snooze on my alarm or I have a bad day at work and I really just want to stop and get some ben and jerry’s on the way home. The days that I want to do nothing but sit on the couch with Netflix and some wine. There are so many different causes of these issues; a bad day at work, missing my best friends, a bad first date, or my anxiety monster rearing its ugly head.

On these days I have to find a way to fight through.  I have to be my own motivation. Reminding myself why I decided to take this journey is a big part of that fight.  On these days I like to look at how far I have come. It goes back to celebrating my success. I have to remember how strong I can be. Alternatives become my savior on these days. A conversation in my head looks a bit like this…”You’ve come this far. Do not let this get you. You are going to make that gym workout pointless. I know you want ice cream…lets just go home and eat some Halo. Its already in the freezer.” Being my own motivational speaker has become a very necessary part of my life.

On these days sometimes I need to be more than just my own motivational speaker. I need to be my own critic and challenger. On the days when it is nothing more than just laziness or tiredness I have to be my own challenger. It can be hard to my own critic but I also know that sometimes it is necessary. Congratulating myself for how far I have come is important but it is also important not to let it go to my head. I can’t use my accomplishments to justify bad decisions. Those conversations go more like this… “Is that really the best you can do? You know its not.” Or “Do you really want to eat that or are you just being a whiny baby?” This was the hardest part for me to master. It is never easy to deal with your own BS. Having those in my life call me on it is something that I need. Doing it for myself is something that I am learning. Regardless of how hard it is I know that it is necessary. That is a skill that I still need to master.

Celebrate how far you have come but never stop moving forward.

Celebrate Every Little Thing!

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When you are a journey like this it is easy to get discouraged and sidetracked. I mean…we are talking major life changes here. These major life changes mean that every once and awhile we are going to have a setback. Humans are incredibly complex creatures with crazy emotions and desires. Unless you have some kind of super human control and willpower your emotions are going to win out more than once.

Personally my emotions create a weird paradox. When I am sad or angry I can eat literally anything in sight. When I am stressed I don’t want to eat anything. When I’m bored I have a habit of over eating just because its there. While I would love to believe that my dedication to getting healthy could stop this….shocker…it can’t. Regardless of how much I want to make these changes I am still trying to survive the insanity that is being in my 20’s. Then I add in the fact that I am a teacher; possibly one of the most emotional and stressful jobs a person can choose. This means that my emotions are more insane than a three year old at Chuck e Cheese. So surprise surprise…sometimes I slip up.

It is really easy to be incredibly hard on myself when these slips happen. “Why did you eat the cookie that was in the teachers lounge?” “Why did you order a burger instead of a salad?” These small slips used to lead to an incredible backslide as I beat myself up over messing up. Now a days I have learned that it is okay to slip every once and awhile. The trick is to get right back on it. I do this by finding something to celebrate even in my mistakes.

Every single day, sometimes twice a day, I find something to celebrate. These can be big wins or small ones. All that matters is not contributing to my emotional eating by beating myself up. So many small things can be a victory for me. I only grabbed one cookie in the teachers lounge instead of the three I would have grabbed a year ago? Victory. I made it to the gym even though I really wanted to throw my phone across the room when the alarm went off? Victory. I went on a 20 mile bike ride with my training partner and let him try to kill me by setting the speed? Victory. I ate some vegetables when what I really wanted was ice cream? Huge victory. I lost a few pound? Time for a dance party that makes the dog look at me like I’m crazy.

The moral of the story is that everyday we have a victory in some way shape or form. It is time that we start celebrating them, no matter how small we think they are. Celebrate in whatever way you want. Send a silly snapchat. Reward yourself with some binge watching. Buy a new dress. Have a shopping spree at Ulta. Send a text to your BFFs. Call your mom and brag (my personal favorite).  

Most of us look to those around us for validation, compliments, and recognition. Stop it. Celebrate your damn self every day because you are amazing!!

Don’t be your own worst enemy.

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Ever doubt that you are worth it? Tell someone “I don’t know how you put up with me?” Let someone else put doubts in your head? Shake your head and brush off compliments from the people in your life? All of the above? Yeah me too.

I had a conversation lately with one of my best friends. You see, I have a habit of tearing myself down. I look at only my flaws. My best friend pointed out to me that I have accomplished some amazing things. I own a house, a car, and I have a job that I love(thanks Abs).  This is something I have to constantly remind myself about. I don’t know about you guys but it is so much easier to find the things I did wrong than look for the ones that I did right.

That is problematic for a lot of reasons. The biggest one is that I am an emotional eater. Bad day? Mac n Cheese. A lot of stress? Chocolate. Bad date? Hello Ben and Jerry. Now emotional eating is a big enough problem. Add that to the fun roller coaster that is being in your 20’s…super fun. Lately, I have been working really hard to fix this problem. After all its pretty impossible to lose weight and get healthy is you are emotionally eating every other day.

I started trying something new. Everytime I have one of these awful moments, or days, when I am doubting myself I make a list. Sometimes I make the list in my head, other times I write it down. This list has to have at least 5 things on it.  Five things in my life that are great. Making this list reminds me to be grateful for the things that I have. Here is a sample list:

1. My family is amazing

2. I have a cuddly puppy to go home to every day

3. I have some of the most amazing friends in the world

4. I was able to get my knee treated so I could keep living my life.

5. I have a home to call my own

6. I am getting stronger every day.  

7. I love my job and my students.

8. I know my students look up to me.

Don’t get me wrong. I have bad days. There are days that I doubt myself and find plenty of things to criticize. My hair is too crazy. I need to be skinnier. I need to be better at make up. I should look more girly. I should look more sporty. I tell my students they need to believe in how amazing they are all the time. I know that is easier said than done.  Sometimes my kiddos are the reason that I need to remind myself to do it. If I want them to be positive and look for the good in life I need to lead by example.

The reality is that I have an amazing life. I am stronger than ever. I have a huge heart. I am getting kinda good at this adulting thing. I take care of the people in my life. I am a damn good teacher. The fact that I have the opportunity to write this and share my story is amazing. The fact that it is even possible for me to take the steps to get healthier is amazing.

So the truth is…I am pretty damn amazing. I know my own worth these days and its pretty high. No matter where you are in life…your worth is pretty damn high too.

Step aside Cady Heron.

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“You’re like…really pretty”

I can’t tell you how many times I have watched that scene in Mean Girls and laughed hysterically at how shallow they all were. That doesn’t stop me from wanting to hear the same sentence…sounds dumb doesn’t it? No matter how many times we say “I don’t give a flying duck(autocorrect) what they think about me”  we still care. It is human nature to seek the approval of others. Especially at this super fun point of life called the beginning of adulthood. There are so many people we want to impress; our parents, our coworkers, our friends, our friends’ friends, and that cute guy we see across the bar.

Are you ready for the harsh truth…its never going to happen. Its annoying isn’t it. It occurred to me one day this year when I was talking a student through a meltdown. “The other kids don’t like me….they make fun of me….they call me ugly…they talk about me behind my back.” All of these were phrases I said or fears that I had when I was her age and as an adult. As I’m talking to this young lady and trying to comfort her I said “Baby girl, you will always  have people who don’t like you in life. The people who really matter, the ones are always there for you will be proud of you and they will love you for who you are no matter what. The only opinion that really matters is your own. You need to love you. If you are happy with the person you are then be proud of that and stop trying to hide behind the standards of others.” Wait what…..did I just say that? Well damn, I guess I need to start taking my own advice.

Don’t get me wrong; I work in a field where being considered “cool” can go a long way with building relationships. We are told in every (completely annoying) professional development how important it is to develop relationships with the students. “If they don’t like you, they aren’t going to perform for you.” This was hard for me. I wasn’t cool when I was in middle school and now I need to be cool for a bunch of kids who think a Razr phone is lame. It took me a couple of years to realize that I didn’t need to be cool and I don’t need these kids to like me. What they should tell us is that you need to build a relationship so the students see you as human. That level of openness fosters respect and that is what you should really seek from your students. Once I started allowing my students to see that I was human, that I have fears and flaws everything seemed to flow a lot easier.

Sharing these things with my students allowed me to take a careful look at myself and the things that I really needed to do. I spend a lot of time trying to get my students to appreciate their own self worth but I was not leading by example at all. I was holding myself to an indefinable, unattainable standard.  What does it even mean to be pretty? Who gets to decide that? I read somewhere that finding one new thing to love everyday could change an entire outlook. Since then I have realized that looking like a model is not something I am really interested in. Instead I want to feel strong. I want to be compassionate. I want to be independent. I want to be a role model. I want to be me.

Screw pretty….I’m me and I’m freaking awesome (most of the time…just don’t ask when I’m hangry).