Category: Mental health

Seize Every Moment

On By MCIn Mental health, motivation, Self Evaluation, Squad, SupportLeave a comment

So sometimes things just come along and you aren’t really sure what they are supposed to teach you. A moment or an event that makes you say ask why. Why did it happen? Why would someone do that? Why would someone say that? Your head gets filled with questions and emotions; anger, sadness, guilt. I had one of those events last week. My mom got hit by a car while she and I were walking and the driver just kept going. They loaded my mom into an ambulance and I wasn’t even allowed to go with her because of the craziness that is happening around us. I can honestly tell you I have never been more scared in my life.

I got lucky. My mom is bruised and has a broken bone but I still have her with me. Waiting to hear from her when she was in hospital was honestly the longest and worst wait ever. My mom is my best friend, my biggest supporter, my helper, and so many more things. To me my mom has always seemed invincible. I have watched her kick ass in a male dominated field. I have watched her conquer fears and scary situations. I have watched her do whatever it takes to save other people. I have watched her adopt and care for so may of my friends. I have watched her literally give her all to someone in need. To me she can do literally anything.  Having to deal with this has been a new type of challenge for me. (PS she is probably going to kill me for this post).

I spent the first couple of days asking myself those questions over and over again. How could happen? Why would someone do that? Why couldn’t I stop it? I felt anger and guilt and fear. Like all my other life changing moments, my mom helped me change my mindset. She has been so amazingly strong and positive throughout this whole ordeal. The first thing she asked when she called me from the hospital was if I was okay. Here I am perfectly fine while she’s in the ER and that was her first question. She even apologized for scaring me. She gets hurt and she’s apologizing to me. That is just the kind of amazing person that she is. Here we are 5 days later and the only complaint she has is that she can’t do more. She has taken this amazingly scary and horrible situation and retained an amazing spirit and attitude.

I’ve honestly learned so much in the past 5 days. I feel like I am recommitting myself to the journey. All this uncertainty lately has made it hard to stay committed to the journey that I was on. My mom’s attitude has provided a new type of motivation for me. I have this one life and I need to make the most of it and that means being 100% all the time in this. Life is short. You never get to redo the day you are living and it is important to live it the best way possible.

Today I am incredibly grateful that I get to sit in the living room and annoy my mom. I am grateful that I get to laugh with her and share stupid videos and photos. I am grateful that I have her here to nag me and annoy me. I am grateful that I get to keep sharing incredible days with her and make more memories.  I am going to start acting like her and adopting her mentality. Its never good enough until you absolutely can’t do anything more.

Teacher Talk

On By MCIn Mental health, motivation, Teaching, WellnessLeave a comment

So I know I normally focus on my personal journey but today I want to talk about my job. There has been a lot of talk in the recent days about teachers and our role in the world. A million and one different people have tweeted their support of teachers since they have started trying to homeschool their children.  Now don’t get me wrong I totally appreciate the love. It is nice to see people recognizing how tough it can be to teach and get kids to focus.  However, I have no expectations that people will remember this when we go back to school. Mostly because I don’t think they fully understand just how much this job entails or how important these kids are to us.

Anyway that’s not what I really wanted to talk about. What I want to talk about is the unseen effect that all of this is having on teachers. I know there are a lot of clichés about teachers and our students being our kids. Most clichés are built around some truth though. I mean there are plenty of teachers who have no business working with children. I’ve met some of them. They are bitter, old fashioned, and sometimes just plain mean. The majority of us are not like that. We care about these kids with our whole hearts. They take a permanent residence in our lives. I see my job as shaping the future. These kids are our future and I want to make sure their lives are better because I was their teacher. I want them to see their abilities and their potential. I always tell my students that I am more concerned with them becoming a better human being while they are with me than I am with them remembering all the history facts I teach them. I want them to know why history is important. I want them to know how to interact, how to get their news from something other than instagram, how to argue, and how to care about the world around them.

The kids I work with on a daily basis truly have become my kids. Hell, some of them call me mom. I go to basketball games, football games, and dance recitals. I check in on them as they get older and move onto higher grades. They still get on my nerves sometimes. Well actually some of them get on my nerves a lot of the time and I don’t always handle it in a way that makes me proud. At the end of the day, all that matters is that they are my kids and I care about them. Being apart from them unexpectedly and for an unknown amount of time is a lot harder on me than anticipated. I’m sure you’ve seen all of the posts during winter break and spring break or even summer break in which teacher’s celebrate. Honestly sometimes we need that break. The difference is that we can emotionally prepare ourselves and our students for the separation when we have a break. Even then we still worry.

Right now I am trying to teach my students through a computer. Some of my kiddos don’t even have internet at home. If you want the truth, I am worried. I am worried if they are getting enough to eat. I am worried if they are reading so they don’t fall even more behind. I am worried that there is no one there to help them if they don’t understand this online work. I am worried that they might end up running the streets without the after school program to occupy their time. I am worried that they aren’t hearing anything positive around them. I am worried that someone is hurting them. I am worried that they aren’t getting any love or support.

Today I was able to video chat with some of my students. It was nice to see their faces and hear their voices. I like being able to see that they are doing okay. However, I am still worried about the ones who weren’t in the video chat; probably even more than I was previously. I knew I missed them but it didn’t hit me how much I missed them until I saw them on that video screen.

The point of all of this is to say…please don’t make light of how we feel or insinuate that we are happily on some sort of break. My phone isn’t glued to my face so I can check instagram; its there because I am answering emails as soon as I get them so my kids know that I am still there.  I love my kids and I honestly wish I was back at work right now.

Do you Boo Boo

On By MCIn confidence, Fitness, Image, Mental health, motivation, Personal Worth, Squad, SupportLeave a comment

This time last year I was making excuses for bad decisions and hating myself. I was listening to a lot of different voices. They were all bouncing around in my head and competing to be the loudest. The biggest problem is that none of these voices were mine. These were voices of other people from the past and the present. Voices that had either intentionally or unintentionally broken me down to a person who didn’t see the possibility to be or do anything different. Words that made me doubt myself.

These words were not spoken by people who should have had any power over my mind or my thoughts. They were words spoken by ex boyfriends, mean girls, dates that stood me up or ghosted me, strangers, frenemies, and even random things on social media. Some of these words were mean spirited, (“You should be happy you have me. It’s not like anyone else would want you.”) some of them were intended to be helpful (“Hey girl so my friend just tried this new diet..”), and some were just oblivious to how loud they were (“At least you have more choices than that other girl since you’re smaller”).

Now don’t get me wrong, these words were all pretty terrible and people definitely need to be nicer especially the ex who spoke the intentionally mean words. However, I’ve learned something else throughout this new journey that I have been on. It is my job to silence these words. I don’t think I would have been able to do that back then. The girl I was back then wasn’t strong enough to silence those words. That girl was timid and found her identity in acceptance and words of affirmation from other people. Fitting in was the ultimate sign of acceptance for that girl. I was so worried about getting people to like me that I didn’t pay attention to how they really treated me. I lost myself. I was a different person depending on who I was with.

I am not that girl anymore. I have been through some shit. I have cried, screamed, gone numb, hidden from the world, and isolated myself from the people who truly love me. None of those things were good or fun but I like the girl who came out of that fire. Don’t get me wrong, I am still a work in progress. The difference is that now I define what kind of progress needs to be made. There aren’t voices fighting to be the loudest in my head. Now the only voice that matters is my own. It takes advice from the important people; my family, my real friends, my coaches but it is now the loudest one in the room. I started this journey 10 months ago. Since then I have learned so much about myself. There are still plenty of people who feel like I need to hear their opinion about what I am doing or how I could be doing it better. Now I pretend to listen to them and then go on with my life. I care about what my coaches say because lets be honest I trust them to help make me better and I know they truly care about my progress. I care about what the people who truly love me say because they know me best and they have been so supportive of me as I have been working to find myself.

The hardest part of all of this has been learning to love the person that I am. I spent a lot time pretending to love myself and even more time tearing myself down. It is like that new Demi Lovato song “I Love Me”. She talks about how it is easy to tear yourself down and build other people up at the same time. I am having to learn how to love me. Its been a long process but I like how it is going. I was having a conversation with my BFF last night and it was nice to talk about how far I have come. Now I know who I want to be and what I am worth. I have learned to say no to things that I don’t need in my life. I have learned to turn away people who don’t deserve to be in my life. I am the only one who can really choose my path and my direction. Its time for me to do me. My advice…you do you boo. Because only you know what is best for you.

New Year. Same Me

On By MCIn confidence, Fitness, Healthy Lifestyle, Image, Mental health, motivation, Personal Worth, Squad, Support1 Comment

Well its New Year’s Eve. You know what that means…all the resolutions. Everyone is dedicated to changing something about themselves starting tomorrow. The statuses and instagram posts will flood the newsfeeds today and tomorrow. Everyone feels the pressure to publicly declare what they are going to do differently this year. The reality is most of these will be forgotten by the time the clock strikes 12. Don’t get me wrong. I am not shaming anyone. If you truly have goals more power to you. I believe in you. Get ‘er done.

However, people shouldn’t feel the pressure to change anything about their journey if they are happy with how it is going. That is where I am at today. My only resolution is to change nothing about how my story is being written right now. See the girl in the two photos above this paragraph? She was unhappy. She was unhealthy. Her anxiety ruled her world. She constantly questioned her self worth. She compared herself to everyone around her. She made one of those silly resolutions last year. Then she took these photos is February and April. A day out with her best friend for Valentine’s Day when they accidentally matched and a Bridal Shower for another best friend. These photos should evoke feelings of joy and great memories. The truth is…they don’t. They are reminders of when this girl felt broken and inadequate.

That photo in April sparked something though. A real change. A new commitment. That May I made a real change. I made a true commitment to myself. It started with a panic attack at work, something that had never happened to me in my life. I never let my students see me as anything but strong. They need me and I never want them to see me like that. There were tears and anger and a trip to my doctor. She decided it was time to change my medication and asked to me schedule an emergency visit with my therapist. A while ago this sentence would have embarrassed me but now I know that it is what I needed to be healthy. After that visit and some tears shed on my mom’s shoulder I took a friends recommendation. (Thanks Momma Dee) I walked into the doors of Coastal Strength and Fitness.

I walked into those doors terrified. Here I am….completely out of shape and this gym looks like super legit. I sit down with a guy named Gary and he tells me about the gym and its philosophies. Immediately at ease I even stay for a workout that day. Here comes Tara with her bubbly personality and immediate friendship. Throughout the next week I would meet all of my new coaches; Diego who always asks how everything is going, Will who tries to kill us every class but adds some great humor to make it better, Kristen who never fails to remember the small details and ask about them, and Ben who always a ball of bouncing sunshine. These coaches would become an amazing support for me. I can’t forget the people in class with me…Tara who is always happy to see everyone, Melissa who makes it impossible to slack off, Kyle and his much needed comic relief, Momma Dee who always says how great I’m doing.

I fell in love with Coastal to the point that I convinced my family to join the party. Now we are a package deal and if any of us show up alone or one of us is missing everyone wants to know why. This is the gym that supported me and cheered me on as a trained for my first triathlon. With the help of these people and my awesome training partner (hey Matt) I did it. They all celebrated with me.

In these past 8 months I have made some huge changes in my life. My diet has changed, 5am alarms are now normal, and I feel stronger than ever. My squad has been an amazing support system for me. My family is there every step of the way. My mom is my ultimate support. My friends are always pushing me to keep going and reminding me that I am doing the work.

I say all of this to tell you why there will be no New Year New Me. This year I am going to be the same me. I started this journey and its actually going pretty well. See the girl above this paragraph? She’s happy. She’s strong. She knows what she can accomplish. She is ready to take on the world. She is still insecure and she still has doubts but she is human. Now she knows her worth and she knows that she is a total badass.

There might still be some people who doubt her but she doesn’t care. She is out to prove to everyone that she is gonna do the damn thing.

So there it is…my New Year’s resolution is to not change a F*ing thing. Haters be damned. I am going to stay the same sarcastic, southern, dog obsessed, overly loving lunatic everyone already knows.

Who do you choose?

On By MCIn confidence, Diet, Healthy Lifestyle, Image, Mental health, motivation, Personal Worth, Self EvaluationLeave a comment

Have you ever had one of those days when you aren’t super busy so you just get to sit down and think about life….yeah me either. My day started insane. Ever taken a bunch of middle school boys to a conference and tried to make them focus…herding cats doesn’t even begin to describe it. Don’t get me wrong they were all pretty well behaved and I think they actually got something out of it…well I mean except for the one kid who got to a have a one on one session with some of the mentors who were there since he couldn’t handle being in a group. I mean I will take my wins where I can get them.

This is all beside the point. When I got home I laid down on the couch to recover and started thinking about something one of the speakers said during the conference today. He said people care more about how you walk it than how you talk it. It kind of hit home because he was discussing the way the kids look to us for guidance and example. I can tell my kids something until I am blue in the face but until they see me walk in it they are just going to hear another teacher lecturing them. Now mind you I am typing all of this with a glass of wine next to the computer which may be fueling some of the total honesty but anyway….

One thing that I have been trying to talk to a couple of my kids about is choosing their future and their goals over what others want for them. I mean they have some many people who want them to do something for some reason. One of the boys in my class is a great example…lets call him “Johnny”. Johnny is a great kid. He is respectful, cares about his grades, and have great leadership potential. Most of the time I love to have him in class. I can see how much he wants to succeed in his goals. Then I noticed that his whole personality changes when he is around a couple of other kids. These kids are not like Johnny. They get disrespectful a lot, are failing more than one class, and kind of make me cringe when I can tell they are in THAT mood. One day I asked him what his goal is. He told me that he wants to play basketball in college and then maybe play in the NBA. Then he shocked the hell out of me when he said if that didn’t work he wanted to become a lawyer. At this age most of my kids have NBA and NFL dreams and see no reason to have a back up plan no matter how many times we tell them they need one.

I’m getting sidetracked again…The other day I pulled Johnny aside and had a conversation with him. I told him that I had noticed how his behavior changed around those two other kids and that it concerned me. I told him that he needed to choose himself and his goals over being “cool” or doing what his friends wanted him to do. He told me he understood but it was one of those conversations that I knew was going in one ear and out the other. After all being cool is pretty important to kids and they want to fit in. They want to do what everyone else is doing and that has gotten even worse with all the social media.

Today I realized that maybe I have more in common with Johnny than I thought. Maybe my argument would be more convincing if I was walking it too. I mean I fall into some of the same traps that Johnny fell into. I want to do what everyone else was doing more than once in my life and it has led me to putting my own goals aside in favor of what was “cool”. For example:

  • Having another drink when I know I shouldn’t spend the money or the calories and I kind of hate feeling drunk but I’m out with friends and they want to keep going
  • Grabbing some junk food because we are having a girls night and that is what we are supposed to do even though that isn’t going to help me lose weight
  • Putting all my time and energy into finding that perfect relationship because all my friends seem to be finding one when I know that I have other goals I want to accomplish
  • Focusing on the negative because everyone else wants to bitch when I know that there are plenty of positives we could be talking about.
  • Not pushing for an idea that I think would be great because I am afraid that it will make people mad

I was trying to find happiness and fulfillment in the things that took it from me to begin with. Not exactly my best logic. How can I tell Johnny to focus on his own goals and forget what everyone else in his life is pushing on him when I can’t do the same thing for myself? How can I make a convincing argument when I don’t have the actions to back it up?

Well today that ends. Today I walk it. I have goals to accomplish and it is time that I put all of my focus into that. I have more weight to lose. I need to get better about keeping my house clean. I have a doctoral program to finish applying for. I have a second triathalon to train for as of about twenty minutes ago.

Its time for me to lead by example. I’m gonna end up having that same conversation with Johnny again soon and this time I will be able to give him examples because…

I CHOOSE ME. Not just any me either, I choose the me that I want to be and I will be her because I’m not letting anything else get in my way anymore.

Queen Independent

On By MCIn confidence, Image, Mental health, Personal WorthLeave a comment

So this post is going to go a little differently than the previous ones. It is about relationships and life. Those two things have been very connected to health and wellness in my life. I have fallen into the trap of looking for someone to validate myself more than once. Living in this super fun point of life called “mid twenties” means lots of friends hitting lots of major life milestones. Now don’t mistake me for someone who is bitter and angry. I love my friends to pieces and I am truly and incredibly happy for them. However, I have fallen into that “When is it my turn?” trap wayyyyyyy too many times. You wanna know where that trap leads??? Settling. Settling for guys who I never should have even let into my life. It also leads to emotional eating which never ends well. Too much ice cream and pasta.

I was raised in a somewhat different household. Independence and autonomy were always encouraged. My parents raised me to be strong as hell. Self-defense classes, academics, sports, and jobs were all areas in which I was encouraged to do my best and determine my own path. I’ve been able to knock a 250LB cop on his ass in self defense scenarios since I was 12. I also come from a line of incredibly strong and independent women who take shit from no one and never hesitate to stand up when necessary.

Despite all of this I would still find myself looking for validation in guys. I mean…Why?! When I remember the things that went through my head I am astounded at how ridiculous it sounds to me now. “Maybe if I looked like *her* more guys would be interested in me.” “I wonder if I would get more attention if I could pull off a crop top.” “I feel like he’s losing interest. Maybe if I change *insert physical quality here* things will be better.” Like seriously?!?!?! What happened to that insanely independent girl who went on a trip to Mexico without her parents in sophomore year of high school? What happened to the girl who never hesitated to take down that guy in practice pads? How had I lost her?

I realized that every time in the past that I have tried to make changes or better myself it has been for someone else. More often than not it has been for a guy. EW. NO. WRONG. INCORRECT MAAM. One day I had a very serious talk with myself. I mean it was in my head…I’m not totally insane yet, but still. Maybe it was time to listen to the people in my life who have been throwing clichés at me for the past few years. “When it is right it will happen.” “Your time will come, don’t rush it.” “You need to love yourself first.”

Turns out maybe clichés should be listened to more often. I made the decision a few weeks ago to say f*ck it. I deleted all my dating apps. I stopped trying to make something happen. I mean honestly…never had much luck to begin with. Mostly lots of ghosting, attempts at talking me into a late night hook up, and even one guy who sucked enough to stand me up. I have felt so much more peace in these last few weeks. I am done trying to impress someone and change so they want to be in my life. My life is pretty freaking fantastic. For once in my life I am doing this for me and me alone. I think that is why I am actually succeeding this time. It makes all the difference in the world. I am getting healthier and along the way and I am getting happier and more confident too.

I have a career that I love (most days…they are middle schoolers after all). I have the most amazing family and friends on the planet who have been super supportive throughout this whole process. I own my car. I own a home. I have a freaking awesome doggo. (Special shout out to Abs for these reminders when I needed them most.) Lately I’ve been jamming out to this playlist on Spotify called confidence boost and honestly it rocks. Its filled with songs from women who are strong and want to encourage the rest of us to be the same. I’ve put three of my favorites in this post. I bought myself a ring to remind me that I am already enough. Honestly…who needs a man to come in and mess up all of this awesomeness. I refuse to change. Sorry boo…you’re gonna have to find a way to fit into this life that I have built because I am damn proud of it.

I just want anyone out there who is facing this same struggle to know that they are not alone. Being single in your mid to late 20’s can feel kind of like you are falling behind some imaginary timeline. You’re not. Please do not settle for someone who doesn’t deserve to be in your life or fall for the first person to pay you attention. I have made that mistake. I won’t say I regret these things necessarily because they taught me about myself. However, its also not a totally necessary life experience.

I am a damn queen and you know what…so are you (or king). No matter what that little doubter voice in the back of your head says. Rule the kingdom of your life your way and only let the person who truly appreciates your supreme awesomeness into it.

Celebrate Every Little Thing!

On By MCIn confidence, Fitness, Healthy Lifestyle, Image, Mental health, Personal Worth, WellnessLeave a comment

When you are a journey like this it is easy to get discouraged and sidetracked. I mean…we are talking major life changes here. These major life changes mean that every once and awhile we are going to have a setback. Humans are incredibly complex creatures with crazy emotions and desires. Unless you have some kind of super human control and willpower your emotions are going to win out more than once.

Personally my emotions create a weird paradox. When I am sad or angry I can eat literally anything in sight. When I am stressed I don’t want to eat anything. When I’m bored I have a habit of over eating just because its there. While I would love to believe that my dedication to getting healthy could stop this….shocker…it can’t. Regardless of how much I want to make these changes I am still trying to survive the insanity that is being in my 20’s. Then I add in the fact that I am a teacher; possibly one of the most emotional and stressful jobs a person can choose. This means that my emotions are more insane than a three year old at Chuck e Cheese. So surprise surprise…sometimes I slip up.

It is really easy to be incredibly hard on myself when these slips happen. “Why did you eat the cookie that was in the teachers lounge?” “Why did you order a burger instead of a salad?” These small slips used to lead to an incredible backslide as I beat myself up over messing up. Now a days I have learned that it is okay to slip every once and awhile. The trick is to get right back on it. I do this by finding something to celebrate even in my mistakes.

Every single day, sometimes twice a day, I find something to celebrate. These can be big wins or small ones. All that matters is not contributing to my emotional eating by beating myself up. So many small things can be a victory for me. I only grabbed one cookie in the teachers lounge instead of the three I would have grabbed a year ago? Victory. I made it to the gym even though I really wanted to throw my phone across the room when the alarm went off? Victory. I went on a 20 mile bike ride with my training partner and let him try to kill me by setting the speed? Victory. I ate some vegetables when what I really wanted was ice cream? Huge victory. I lost a few pound? Time for a dance party that makes the dog look at me like I’m crazy.

The moral of the story is that everyday we have a victory in some way shape or form. It is time that we start celebrating them, no matter how small we think they are. Celebrate in whatever way you want. Send a silly snapchat. Reward yourself with some binge watching. Buy a new dress. Have a shopping spree at Ulta. Send a text to your BFFs. Call your mom and brag (my personal favorite).  

Most of us look to those around us for validation, compliments, and recognition. Stop it. Celebrate your damn self every day because you are amazing!!

Don’t be your own worst enemy.

On By MCIn confidence, Image, Mental health, Personal Worth, WellnessLeave a comment

Ever doubt that you are worth it? Tell someone “I don’t know how you put up with me?” Let someone else put doubts in your head? Shake your head and brush off compliments from the people in your life? All of the above? Yeah me too.

I had a conversation lately with one of my best friends. You see, I have a habit of tearing myself down. I look at only my flaws. My best friend pointed out to me that I have accomplished some amazing things. I own a house, a car, and I have a job that I love(thanks Abs).  This is something I have to constantly remind myself about. I don’t know about you guys but it is so much easier to find the things I did wrong than look for the ones that I did right.

That is problematic for a lot of reasons. The biggest one is that I am an emotional eater. Bad day? Mac n Cheese. A lot of stress? Chocolate. Bad date? Hello Ben and Jerry. Now emotional eating is a big enough problem. Add that to the fun roller coaster that is being in your 20’s…super fun. Lately, I have been working really hard to fix this problem. After all its pretty impossible to lose weight and get healthy is you are emotionally eating every other day.

I started trying something new. Everytime I have one of these awful moments, or days, when I am doubting myself I make a list. Sometimes I make the list in my head, other times I write it down. This list has to have at least 5 things on it.  Five things in my life that are great. Making this list reminds me to be grateful for the things that I have. Here is a sample list:

1. My family is amazing

2. I have a cuddly puppy to go home to every day

3. I have some of the most amazing friends in the world

4. I was able to get my knee treated so I could keep living my life.

5. I have a home to call my own

6. I am getting stronger every day.  

7. I love my job and my students.

8. I know my students look up to me.

Don’t get me wrong. I have bad days. There are days that I doubt myself and find plenty of things to criticize. My hair is too crazy. I need to be skinnier. I need to be better at make up. I should look more girly. I should look more sporty. I tell my students they need to believe in how amazing they are all the time. I know that is easier said than done.  Sometimes my kiddos are the reason that I need to remind myself to do it. If I want them to be positive and look for the good in life I need to lead by example.

The reality is that I have an amazing life. I am stronger than ever. I have a huge heart. I am getting kinda good at this adulting thing. I take care of the people in my life. I am a damn good teacher. The fact that I have the opportunity to write this and share my story is amazing. The fact that it is even possible for me to take the steps to get healthier is amazing.

So the truth is…I am pretty damn amazing. I know my own worth these days and its pretty high. No matter where you are in life…your worth is pretty damn high too.

Step aside Cady Heron.

On By MCIn Image, Mental health, Personal Worth, UncategorizedLeave a comment

“You’re like…really pretty”

I can’t tell you how many times I have watched that scene in Mean Girls and laughed hysterically at how shallow they all were. That doesn’t stop me from wanting to hear the same sentence…sounds dumb doesn’t it? No matter how many times we say “I don’t give a flying duck(autocorrect) what they think about me”  we still care. It is human nature to seek the approval of others. Especially at this super fun point of life called the beginning of adulthood. There are so many people we want to impress; our parents, our coworkers, our friends, our friends’ friends, and that cute guy we see across the bar.

Are you ready for the harsh truth…its never going to happen. Its annoying isn’t it. It occurred to me one day this year when I was talking a student through a meltdown. “The other kids don’t like me….they make fun of me….they call me ugly…they talk about me behind my back.” All of these were phrases I said or fears that I had when I was her age and as an adult. As I’m talking to this young lady and trying to comfort her I said “Baby girl, you will always  have people who don’t like you in life. The people who really matter, the ones are always there for you will be proud of you and they will love you for who you are no matter what. The only opinion that really matters is your own. You need to love you. If you are happy with the person you are then be proud of that and stop trying to hide behind the standards of others.” Wait what…..did I just say that? Well damn, I guess I need to start taking my own advice.

Don’t get me wrong; I work in a field where being considered “cool” can go a long way with building relationships. We are told in every (completely annoying) professional development how important it is to develop relationships with the students. “If they don’t like you, they aren’t going to perform for you.” This was hard for me. I wasn’t cool when I was in middle school and now I need to be cool for a bunch of kids who think a Razr phone is lame. It took me a couple of years to realize that I didn’t need to be cool and I don’t need these kids to like me. What they should tell us is that you need to build a relationship so the students see you as human. That level of openness fosters respect and that is what you should really seek from your students. Once I started allowing my students to see that I was human, that I have fears and flaws everything seemed to flow a lot easier.

Sharing these things with my students allowed me to take a careful look at myself and the things that I really needed to do. I spend a lot of time trying to get my students to appreciate their own self worth but I was not leading by example at all. I was holding myself to an indefinable, unattainable standard.  What does it even mean to be pretty? Who gets to decide that? I read somewhere that finding one new thing to love everyday could change an entire outlook. Since then I have realized that looking like a model is not something I am really interested in. Instead I want to feel strong. I want to be compassionate. I want to be independent. I want to be a role model. I want to be me.

Screw pretty….I’m me and I’m freaking awesome (most of the time…just don’t ask when I’m hangry).

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“So I’m Trying a New Diet”

On By MCIn Diet, Fitness, Healthy Lifestyle, Mental health, Uncategorized, Wellness1 Comment

“So, I started a new diet.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said that exact sentence my friends and family. I would estimate at least twice a year over the past five years. I mean we all do it don’t we. “New Year, New Me!” “Gotta get that summer beach bod!” “I want to look amazing for the …insert major event here.” I would love to blame my struggles on college or some major life altering event. The truth is my weight has been something of a self made struggle since high school. I have used every excuse in the book to avoid the problem. I have hated myself and hated other people as a result. I have been bullied and I have allowed people to put me down because of it. When I get sick of it I decide to look for an answer for somewhere. I fell prey to the many different fad diets and clichés. I mean honestly I’ve tried everything from Weight Watchers to the 17 Day Diet. Every suggestion from every person I could think of.

Here’s the problem though…I never tried these things for the right reasons. I tried them so I could look as good as my roommate, so I could find a guy who likes or please the one I liked, or because people told me I needed to. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but not a single one of these things was because I wanted to change my habits or my health. They were all either superficial or a suggestion from some one else. That is the reason it has never worked. I didn’t want to acknowledge that at the core my health was at stake.

This past year I have faced some hard truths; truths about my physical health and my mental health. Here they are:

My weight is no longer just a superficial issue.

I have wanted to be “skinny” for as long as I can remember. Now I don’t even know what that means but I wanted it. This year I had to face the fact that I was putting myself at risk for some many other problems. I was hit hard in the face when a doctor put me on cholesterol medication. I’m 26 freaking years old. That is not okay

Injuries happen and I need to start look for alternatives

Ever torn your meniscus…hurts like hell doesn’t it. Well that problem plus some already existing arthritis meant that running was going to have to take a back seat for me. I had to find new ways to work out. I don’t like change. Ask anyone who knows me.

Mental health and physical health are way more connected that I wanted to acknowledge

Have you ever felt guilty for feeling bad? I sure as hell have. This year I had to acknowledge a real truth. I have anxiety disorder….like a lot. It is okay to not be okay regardless of how much better you think you have it that someone else. What does my weird brain have to do with my body? Well kids, emotional eating is a real thing. Trust me. Self sabotage due to emotional eating…super real. Finding new ways to deal with my anxiety became really important to my physical health. To be honest…still kind of working on this one.

I have to take care of me

Anyone who has met me or my family will get this one. You need help…I’ve got you. You need an escape….chick flicks and wine. You’re new here and don’t know anyone….welcome to the family, you’ve been adopted and no you don’t have a choice.  This need to care for those around me gets amplified at work. My students are my world, they are my kids and taking care of them is super important to me. I put some much pressure on myself to care for them that I literally made myself sick this year. It took a wake up call from my mom to fix it. I can’t take care of anyone if I’m not taking care of me.

I have to embark on a journey for only one reason…

This one was probably the biggest one for me. The only way anything is truly going to change and actually stick is if I decided to do it simply because I want to do it. For the first time in my life my decision to make a change is simply that…MINE.

I have a few goals now and I’m proud of the steps I’ve taken so far. I’ve joined a new gym that doesn’t give me a way to skip out. Plus I’m paying for it I am not wasting that money away. (*teacher’s salary cough*) I signed up for my first triathlon. It is time to stop being so stubborn about running. I got a road bike (his name is Zazu). I ate kale and tried some veggie burgers…not actually that bad. Don’t get me wrong, this is just the beginning. I’ve got a long way to go. The difference is…this time I’m excited about it.

Welcome to my journey…its gonna be a rollercoaster.